Today is a lot of things. It is Easter, it is Greek Easter, it is my mom's great Dane's birthday, it is the anneversary of the Columbine High School Massacre, it is Hitler's birthday, and it is April 20th. What a happening time. Easter was fine; we had brunch as a family, I got to deal with Suzanne, and I won at Catan. My brother's girlfriend was there and she's pretty cool, but she sees something in my brother I don't. However, Easter is unfortunately why I didn't make this blog post.
If you don't feel like reading about dying, stop reading now.
I had a great uncle pass away on Saturday. My brother and I went down to Mattoon, Illinois to see him on Friday. It was somewhat expected; he was apparently in and out of the hospital a lot, and he was a heavy smoker who made it to 86, but I'm still kind of torn up about it. He made very sure to tell my brother and I how proud he was of us, how much he thinks about us, and how proud he is of his grandchildren. It meant a lot to me. He was one of the best men I've ever met, and I'm happy he's at peace. It sucks he died, but I'm very happy I got to sit with him one last time.
I try and learn from my life experiences on how to handle stuff. How do you get through financial deep shit? How do you help your friend through a breakup? How do you give them even just one, tiny sliver of light when their whole day was just darkness?
Death has always confounded me. It is one of the most hard to understand, most freightening things in my life. How do you talk to someone who knows they have months or days left to live? How do you help people who have had a loved one pass? How do I handle it for myself? I'm seemingly incapable of mourning, sometimes feel incapable of helping people get through it, and honestly just can't think through it that well.
One of the flaws my mother assigns to my grandfather is that "he's coming to terms with his own mortality" as he watches everyone else his age pass away, be it from cancer or just outright old age. Am I like this? Do I need to be prepared to embrace death at this point or not yet? I just feel like I'm less capable of processing these things than other people, and it honestly makes me feel like a worse, perhaps even defective, human being. I can't help people with these things, from what I can tell. I can't even help myself. I don't know how to mourn, I don't know how to grieve properly, the last time I cried from grief or stress was 8 years ago. My response to being frustrated isn't to weep, but to punch my desk and call myself some words that will get me cancelled. It's like I'm emotionally broken, too shamed out of showing vulnerability to be able to handle myself properly.
To this day, there's things I can't do. I instinctively lock up when attempting to bust any dance moves, likely from anxiety. There's things I physically can't bring myself to do, like move in queer ways or honestly dance at all. Heck, when I first received Onion with Zeph, I stared at his head for a solid ten minutes before I put him on, not because I was admiring his good looks, but because I was actually scared and almost felt like I was gonna throw up.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that people dying is a bitch, and I don't know how to deal with it, and I don't know if anyone ever will, but I still feel like an inferior human being for it being something I can't do. It's like one of the last villains in my life, and I can't handle it. Honestly, I feel like if I had some kind of terminal disease, I would probably be mad at myself instead of greiving, because my body had failed me.
There are so many things I want to do in my life that anxiety stops. There are so many things I can't handle because I'm a coward. A good shrink can probably fix the first two, but death? I think I'm just up shit creek. I guess this is a reminder to get everything else sorted out, so I can live the rest of my life to its fullest instead of letting arbitrary mental limitations stop me.
Apologies for the dark rant. I know I try to keep things lighter on my blog, but I had things to get off of my mind tonight.
I don't know if the dead people who are close to me would bother reading this blog. Honestly, I kind of hope they don't, because they'd know I'm a very pansexual and horny furry by this point. However, my uncle is worth talking about here. One of the last things he told me is that I seemed to know what I want, and that I should go get it.
I know what I want. I'm gonna go get it.