Do you ever think you're a trans woman, then realize that you aren't? No? Nobody else?
Lowkirkenly I forgot to blog for a while. I was either busy, or not in the mood. I should be posting more often to this, so people can pick apart my thoughts a hundred years from now and wonder what was wrong with me. These are historic documents.
The most recent development in my gender crisis is that I spoke to an HRT specialist about starting estrogen. After some deliberation, and a drive to Hastings to think about it, I realized that I really don't need it to acheive happiness. I have determined my gender is a crumpled up piece of paper left in the corner. It is an IMAGE problem, not a gender problem, and I need to embrace the fruity self image I want to establish. All of my clothes are "things mom bought me in high school," and it's honestly getting old. I need more fruity button down in my wardrobe.
Honestly? Life has otherwise been the same ol' same ol' for the last two months. I got promoted at work, I got more pool toys in the mail, and I attended church for the first time in years. All of these things are positive. I am not huge on organized religion, but I found church entertaining and I am fortunate to go to one that isn't extremely radical... or Catholic.
I am beginning to recognize that I am some breed of objectum. The pool toys to me are no longer sex objects. I have genuine romantic attraction to multiple of them. They have an emotional effect nothing else on me has. I kiss the life size one of one of my characters before I go to bed every night. I got a bird out last weekend and became nonverbal for thirty seconds. It is extremely obvious these things have an impact on me beyond the sexual, and I am at the point where I need to talk to my therapist about it because I am concerned.
The wider concern here is if this is just a sign I am really lonely for a romantic partner, but too shy to get one. I know online dating is a thing, but I have trust issues and feel the need to promote somebody whom I know is single into that role. However, all of my friends are either not looking, or not into people who are assigned male at birth. Maybe my standards are too high? I'm at the point where I see a trans woman at Cub Foods and think about asking her for her number. I really just don't want to die alone... but I guess being alone is good because it keeps emotional and mental loading down? I can do whatever I want, but I look at other people having intercourse and cuddling and spooning and honestly get kind of wistful. Think of the tax benefits, too!
Another thing that's been on my mind is the state of California. Every time I look at it on Google Maps it just seems so neat when it's not on fire. Yeah everything's ridiculously expensive and everything's a stroad, but the vibes are immaculate and it doesn't get cold. I've been having issues putting up with the cold more recently. It's just so... different, and unlike anything I've ever been at before. If I didn't have to lose all of my friends to do it, I'd honestly seriously think about moving to the bay area. I do feel like my Midwestern sense of humor and practicality would either get me exonorated immediately, or be seen as a breath of fresh air. I don't play passive agressive. I am either passive, or aggressive. If you're going to be mean, get to the fucking point.
I also have a strong dislike for the phrase "Minnesota Nice." Nice people don't talk about how nice they are. They act on it. They shouldn't market themselves as Minnesota Nice, they should prove that they are with their actions.
I guess one other thing I have (that I am willing to share)... I saw my old friend Grace from high school for the first time in like six years last weekend. She's moving to upstate New York to be with her friends in June, so we got breakfast and hung out at the mall. Grace is a lovely human being, but it's interesting how we weren't as tight as we were before in high school. I guess this is just what going to college does to people. I'm happy I got to see her, but I can tell we both changed, and honestly this is the first time I could really tell that out of people who I went to high school with. Most of the Ass Machine guys pretty much stayed the same.